You Can't Sit With Us!!!

"...... You speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings" I remember growing up and being taught that girls were evil for no reason. And we are, just evil little bitches. We take joy in someone's else's pain, love to dish it out ourselves. We still haven't learned to coexist with each other. 

But in this day in age when free love is so prominent and everyone is with exactly who they wanna be, why are we still being so damn mean to each other? I am new to this lifestyle, I hate that word. It's not a lifestyle it's who we are!!! Stop calling it a lifestyle!!! But I'd like a little guidance, a fairy gay mother if you will. 

The first time I find someone I could be with, learn this life with, grow a little more with. She turns out to b the biggest asshole ever and for no reason at all. Did I not handle myself correctly? Did I show too much interest, did I make the mistake of appearing to be interested? Did I get a lil jealous at times, answer me this, how is any of this wrong? Clearly you were such an amazing person that I just needed to learn and know u better. I made the mistake of liking her, of putting my heart and feelings on the line and getting myself played. The discouragement is enough to make you go back to what you previously knew. But ladies I won't let 1 asshole spoil me for the rest of you. Wish things were different tho. 

Until next time

Closets are for clothes

"You're just a straight girl who had a fling with a girl" When I tell u I've never in my life been slapped so hard with information than I was in that moment. If only she'd actually taken the time to really get to know the complex individual that is Chrissy. I am the girl who finally gave in to what she wanted, what made her happy. I am the girl who isn't scared of societies standards anymore. I am the girl who finally decided to stop giving into the status quo. I finally find a group of people where I feel comfortable with this. Not once since "my fling" have I felt judged or shut off by anyone.

I've never been particular fond of titles. Never!!! Prior to me fully accepting my attraction to the same sex, I never labeled myself as straight. It's always just been, I'm with men for the moment. And I've always been attracted to women. How can you not be, the softness of their skin, the love and security in their touch. Their resilience and strength. Women are loving, caring and giving by nature. Who wouldn't want that in a partner.

It's amazing the things that come back to you when you sit and think about it. I remember being the biggest tomboy in the neighborhood, but always chalked that up to me being the only girl in my family. I remember summers in NC. where me and a certain distant cousin (female) would do things we know we ain't have no business doing. I remember me and a best friend joking about being together because we couldn't find good men, or I should say I remember her joking. I was dead ass serious!!

The first time I really found myself attracted to a girl was probably 3 years ago. I seen girls before who have caught my eye, but not like "PrimeTime" She was beautiful, hard working, smart and an awesome mom to her 2 beautiful little girls. Only problem, or so I thought, she was straight. That was until I got that, I been waiting to taste you text. I didn't know what to do and in my apprehensiveness I let that one get away. 2 years go by and I decide to give it another go, I'm gonna pursue this attraction. Of course I go for the most damaged, unstable, uncontainable person I could find. And although she drove me insane, makes me wanna strangle her daily. I'd never take back that experience, she helped and gave me the confidence to pursue this. I remember having conversations where I said i'd never be in a relationship with a woman, but as I get more and more into this "lifestyle" the more I realize that's not the case, i do want more.


I think I gave up on men long before I got the nerve to pursue women. Men just stopped doing it for me. The thrill wasn't there, no excitement, nothing. There came a point where I was just keeping up appearances. And now on the brink of my 29th birthday, I don't wanna hide anymore. I figure with the way I live, I won't live forever. So I might as well live how I what, do what makes me happy. And if that's laying next to a beautiful woman every night, then thank God for the gift of sight!!!

I'm happy, I'm comfortable. I'm not complaining about anything. Some people are convinced that's it's a phase, something to do for the moment, that I'm not really ready to be committed to this "lifestyle". I say fuck you, this is my life, I'm doing with it why I want. and this truly makes me happy. I feel like a butterfly who's been trapped as a caterpillar far too long, I can finally breath. I lived a stifled life for the most part, and yes I thoroughly enjoyed it at the time, but I feel free now. It's so cliched, but to not have to hide that attraction, that desire anymore, makes me wanna scream with joy.

I am thankful to the women in my life who said fuck you years ago and decided to live and love how they wanted. I honestly don't believe I'd have half this courage if it wasn't for my mother. I've always known my mom was gay, when she finally figured it out, I don't know. But she lives her life proudly and happily. She is loved honestly and genuinely and I couldn't ask for anything more for her.

In all this, I still haven't come out and said I was gay. And I won't . When I was sleeping with men, I didn't brag about being straight. I follow the heart not the anatomy. And at the moment I take great pleasure in laying next to a woman

Boys & Basketball

So today #11 seed VCU went against #8 seed Butler with Butler taking the win 70-62. Damn shame cuz i was rootin for the hometown heroes. Bartending for that championship game was hopin for that hometown money. Oh well did awesome today.....I swear basketball, no COLLEGE basketball brings out all types....Single dads who got the kids for the weekend and aint lettin that stop the party, to lil old die hard alum, they have got to be the worst. Old, impatient, and entitled. My 3 least characteristics in a person, with old toppin the list!! But seriously i do enjoy big sporting events at work....its the only time my black ass can be as loud as i want with no one looking at me funny. I love being busy in my zone!!!! #Grindin is what i do and i love nothing more!!! Me in my BLACKnGOLD!! 

Now onto these men....lordy!!!! Phone rings 7am this morn and its him, Jay...dieing to reclaim his position in my life. He's so cute, we talked awhile ago for a lil while but he wasnt in a position to be the man i needed so we went our separate ways. Now he's comin up in the world, owns property, car in his name, and a lil money in his pocket and im thinking bout giving him a shot. But now I have no time...i am determined to make myself known this year and as much as i wanna finally let love in and give it a chance, i just cant afford to. Dilemmas!! And meanwhile Im still pining after my highschool sweetheart, Darnell. Who for the life of him will not let me go, we been going back and forth for 9 years and r stuck in limbo right now, he too doesnt wanna b what i need him to be. Notice Im saying need and not want, I need a decent, hardworking, sensitive man. I do not want just anything, my Nana told me a long time ago, You've got to be specific when asking God to send u someone, u cant just ask for a man, cuz thats what he'll send just a man, and i need so much more!! But thats not it, still tryna start something new with Chris!!! What ima do is fall back, take some time out for myself, get this money, stay on my grind and in due time, he i will find!!!

Nite Luvies