Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Closets are for clothes

"You're just a straight girl who had a fling with a girl" When I tell u I've never in my life been slapped so hard with information than I was in that moment. If only she'd actually taken the time to really get to know the complex individual that is Chrissy. I am the girl who finally gave in to what she wanted, what made her happy. I am the girl who isn't scared of societies standards anymore. I am the girl who finally decided to stop giving into the status quo. I finally find a group of people where I feel comfortable with this. Not once since "my fling" have I felt judged or shut off by anyone.

I've never been particular fond of titles. Never!!! Prior to me fully accepting my attraction to the same sex, I never labeled myself as straight. It's always just been, I'm with men for the moment. And I've always been attracted to women. How can you not be, the softness of their skin, the love and security in their touch. Their resilience and strength. Women are loving, caring and giving by nature. Who wouldn't want that in a partner.

It's amazing the things that come back to you when you sit and think about it. I remember being the biggest tomboy in the neighborhood, but always chalked that up to me being the only girl in my family. I remember summers in NC. where me and a certain distant cousin (female) would do things we know we ain't have no business doing. I remember me and a best friend joking about being together because we couldn't find good men, or I should say I remember her joking. I was dead ass serious!!

The first time I really found myself attracted to a girl was probably 3 years ago. I seen girls before who have caught my eye, but not like "PrimeTime" She was beautiful, hard working, smart and an awesome mom to her 2 beautiful little girls. Only problem, or so I thought, she was straight. That was until I got that, I been waiting to taste you text. I didn't know what to do and in my apprehensiveness I let that one get away. 2 years go by and I decide to give it another go, I'm gonna pursue this attraction. Of course I go for the most damaged, unstable, uncontainable person I could find. And although she drove me insane, makes me wanna strangle her daily. I'd never take back that experience, she helped and gave me the confidence to pursue this. I remember having conversations where I said i'd never be in a relationship with a woman, but as I get more and more into this "lifestyle" the more I realize that's not the case, i do want more.

I think I gave up on men long before I got the nerve to pursue women. Men just stopped doing it for me. The thrill wasn't there, no excitement, nothing. There came a point where I was just keeping up appearances. And now on the brink of my 29th birthday, I don't wanna hide anymore. I figure with the way I live, I won't live forever. So I might as well live how I what, do what makes me happy. And if that's laying next to a beautiful woman every night, then thank God for the gift of sight!!!

I'm happy, I'm comfortable. I'm not complaining about anything. Some people are convinced that's it's a phase, something to do for the moment, that I'm not really ready to be committed to this "lifestyle". I say fuck you, this is my life, I'm doing with it why I want. and this truly makes me happy. I feel like a butterfly who's been trapped as a caterpillar far too long, I can finally breath. I lived a stifled life for the most part, and yes I thoroughly enjoyed it at the time, but I feel free now. It's so cliched, but to not have to hide that attraction, that desire anymore, makes me wanna scream with joy.

I am thankful to the women in my life who said fuck you years ago and decided to live and love how they wanted. I honestly don't believe I'd have half this courage if it wasn't for my mother. I've always known my mom was gay, when she finally figured it out, I don't know. But she lives her life proudly and happily. She is loved honestly and genuinely and I couldn't ask for anything more for her.

In all this, I still haven't come out and said I was gay. And I won't . When I was sleeping with men, I didn't brag about being straight. I follow the heart not the anatomy. And at the moment I take great pleasure in laying next to a woman

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